I THOUGHT I HAD TIME

My friend Kris Blake died last night.  Paul just called me.  I haven’t seen Kris in years.  I’ve talked to her a few times.  I loved Kris Blake.  See I haven’t seen her or talked to her because of the alcoholism.  I’m not sure if it was because of her alcoholism or mine.  Kris was the smartest woman I knew, really.  She was brilliant, alive and funny.  She was also a pain in the ass.  I had my first wedding at Kris and Paul’s.  I went to their house every other weekend when I was separating from my first husband.

Kris and Paul’s house was magic.  That was true when I was drinking and when I wasn’t.  I remember one time when I was staying the night.  We were out in the hot tub.  She was telling me a story about her mother.  That she had just got back from bumming around Europe for months she called her mom and said that before she came home she wanted to go to a concert near by where they lived in New York.  But her mom said “Oh Kris, there will always be another concert”.  She looks at me “Remember that Carla…..  Another Concert, it was Woodstock”.   On another night I was there with Jeanne.  Jeanne was probably 5 or 6.  I think I had already stopped drinking, so probably six.  Wiley and Zack were there.  We were sitting around and the kids were walking in the field with tall grass.  It was twilight, the fireflies were visible.  All of a sudden the kids come running saying there were monsters in the grass.  They had disturbed some deer.  It was magic.  I know some people think I’m good at creating magic but I had nothing on Kris.  She found magic or magic found her.

One of the last times I saw her we had gone out to help her and Paul when there was a flood.  She and I took a boat around the house.  There were fish jumping where her yard was suppose to be.

So why has it been so long since I’ve seen her.  Because I didn’t know if she would be drunk.  I could talk to her about a plan to come see her at 11:00 and have her be drunk by 1:00.  She showed up drunk to Jeanne’s baby shower.  I knew I had to stop drinking when I got mad at Kris for not drinking at an occasion where I wanted to use her as an excuse to drink.

But here’s the point of all of this.  I thought I had time.  I thought I had time to reconcile.  I was going to write her a letter to tell her that the reason I did not call her was not because I didn’t love her but because I did.  It was I could not bare to see her drunk.  Recovered(ing) alcoholics  have little tolerance for addicts.  I don’t know why.  All I know is that I couldn’t see her.  But I could have written the letter and I didn’t.  I thought I had time.